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Satire  Published 10/24/17 9:22am

Incredible: Penn Econ Major Has Learned More About New York Prep School Politics than Econ

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Photo from: Maxpixel / Public Domain


Wow. It is becoming increasingly clear to his teachers and classmates that College junior and Economics major Ben G. of Shaker Heights, Ohio, who has finished nine of the 12 credits required for his economics major, has learned far more about the intricacies of New York City-area prep school society politics than economic theory during his time at Penn.

“Yeah, I went to a public high school in suburban Ohio, and I’ve only ever been to New York City once on a school trip, but if you were to ask me who’s captain of the water polo team at Trinity and who they’re dating at Horace Mann, I could recite that in my sleep,” said Ben. “I honestly don’t even know what these places look like.”

By simply being constantly exposed to the general undergraduate student body at Penn, Ben has managed to develop a truly incredible amount of knowledge of the statuses and reputations of New York City high schools. Even while maintaining a 3.22 GPA over the course of his three years at Penn, Ben can match each of the U.S. News & World Report’s Top 10 Tri-State Prep Schools to their mascots. What says Ben? “Are you kidding me, I could do that by October of my freshman year.”

When asked his preference between the classically liberal school of economic theory and neoliberalism, Ben said, “I don't really think about it all that much,” but he did have a definitive answer for his rankings of the top-five All-Boys schools “on the island.” 

“I mean it's Collegiate versus the field you know,” said Ben, referring to the Pre K-12 preparatory school from which he has never personally met a student.

And get this. When asked to explain the concept of inelastic supply, Ben just shrugged, “I usually just Investopedia that sort of stuff.” Amazing.

Indeed, while Ben has more than proved his academic mediocrity, he is years ahead in knowledge of the arbitrary social fabric of Manhattan prep schools. “Riverdale and Horace Mann are in the Bronx, actually,” corrected Ben, before adding, “Shit, why do I know that?”

In his spare time, Ben has also now been accruing a sense of which investment banks are "the best" while simultaneously understanding almost nothing about investment banking.

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