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Satire  Published 10/10/17 3:59am

Crime Log: October 4-10

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Photo by MJ Kang / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Vandalism

Oct 6: An intoxicated senior was seen ripping off posters in the lounge of a Quad residence. He reportedly was an actor in the Thrive At Penn modules.

Disturbing the Peace

Oct 9: Weeks after shutting down a Yu-Gi-Oh! showdown, Penn Police shut down a midterm in the David Rittenhouse Laboratory due to noise complaints. But who was at fault for the disturbance? It was those damn chairs. This is the first reported case of students being pleased with a Task Force shutdown.

Embezzlement

Oct 8: Two Wharton sophomores were accused of stealing $500 from a student-run hedge fund. When we asked the victims to share their thoughts, they promptly told us that they were rich and didn’t even need it.

Forgery

Oct 5: A freshman was kicked out of a community service club for forging his legal guardian’s signature. Nice try, man, but your dad is already registered to vote in Pennsylvania.

Larceny

Oct 9: A group of freshmen were reportedly caught stealing gallons of milk from Hill Dining. At the scene of the crime, one of the offenders boasted that he was making the most of his swipes. But their punishment? They have to eat at Commons for the rest of the year. 

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