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Satire  Published 10/22/17 1:36pm

QUIZ: How Many Cheek Kisses Is This Fancy Hello?

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Photo by Pexels / Pixabay


OMG! It’s Rachel. We haven’t seen her since at least NSO. How many cheek kisses is this fancy hello? Answer these questions, and see how many times you're going to kiss Rachel's perfect cheeks!

1. Hey you! Yeah, you! Superstar! How are you doing, beautiful? Come here!

A.) Hello, darling!

B.) We all know you’re the real superstar, Rachel!

C.) Dear Friend Beware!/ From the witch ere on Morton's Wood on me a hex did come/ And when the moon turns full and bright, a Wolf I shall become!

2. How have you been, sweetie? You look un fantastique.

A.) Oh, shut it.

B.) Omg, be quiet. Also, wow, you’ve been so international since your semester abroad!

C.) I pray thee! Flee! Flee!

3. Have you been working out? You look sexy, girl!

A.) Stop! The only workouts I’ve been doing are burrito curls. How’s Brett?

B.) No! You do. If Brett weren't still in the picture, I would literally bang you right here and right now, hottie!

C.) My friend! I beseech you to heed my warning high/ As the clouds reveal Apollo’s face, my transmutation grows ever nigh!

4.) Ah, Brett and I are, like...on break right now. It’s, like, totally fine, but totally weird.

A.) Sweetie, I’m so sorry. If you ever need to chat, just text, and we’ll grab some Bub just like freshman year!

B.) Ugh, I, like, really understand what you’re going through right now, but he was such a douchebag. Girl, you can do so much better.

C.) Araaarggh! My Transformation!

5.) Yeah, last month he told me he had actually been hooking up with Trish, that girl from St. Paddy's, when he's been going home to see his mom.

A.) No way, that 4/10 with the bags under her eyes? I guess he's ugly and blind.

B.) I didn't trust that fake blonde for a minute. Ugh, and he brought her into my house. I'm livid. Livid, Rach.

C.) Alas, in Apollo’s pale, reflective gaze, I can’t but recognize/ A Were-Wolf, creature ‘tween Man and Beast, prowls before mine Eyes!

6.) I just feel like such an idiot.

A.) Well, let me tell you, Rach, I am blessed that I was able to catch your beautiful face today. You are a Goddess, and I am going to make you realize if it kills me.

B.) My house, Rachel, my home. He brought her into my home. And when he went home to visit his mother. I can't even fathom... What. A. Pig.

C.)  As I feel that primal thirst I know my one true Beastly need/ And so alas, this cursed beast, does prowl the Village's Disobedient Children to feed.

7.) Yeah, I thought I was stronger than this, but I just really started to blame myself. I've been shut down for the past few weeks, and I'm just now getting back into the swing of doing things. I actually could really use a shoulder to cry on right now.

A.) Aw, Rachel. I’m sad we’ve grown so distant, but I’m so appreciative of you as a friend, and I’m ready to commit the time I need to give you the support you deserve.

B.) Baby girl, I’m always here for you. I had SoulCycle to get to, but I’m blowing that off right now to be with you for as long as you need.

C.) And so Children do Heed Your Parents And Do Your Chores as You Should/ For Only Lazy Children have the Taste of the Were-Wolf (He's Man nor Beast!), the Dread of Morton's Wood.

ANSWER KEY

Mostly A’s: One Cheeker – Yas girl. Quick, clean, and business-like. A One Cheeker is about business and ready to get down to “betchiness, laaaadies”. No need to go overboard or get too European.

Mostly B’s: Two Cheeker – Aw yeah, bish, we’re here to dish. Come here, get comfortable, and let’s get intimate. Just like a Gulf of Mexico underwater oil rig, we’re about to Spill, Baby, Spill.

Mostly C’s: Three Cheeker – Wow, so international. That semester in Milan really did make you so sophisticated. Now, let’s go be a good friend and just listen for a while.

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