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Satire  Published 10/13/17 1:30am

Bathroom Review: Wawa

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Graphic by Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian and Gareth Simpson / Flickr CC BY-2.0 


-Hey, can I use your bathroom?

-Are you a customer?

-Yes. But not a paying customer. I just stole a coffee.

-Sir, you’re going to have to pay for that coffee.

-I’ll give you a dollar if you let me keep this coffee and also let me use the shitter.

-Yes, that is how being a customer here works.

-Thank you, my dear man, for leading me to thy porcelain throne. I shall give you two shillings as a token of my appreciation.

-Why are you speaking like that?

-Sorry, I have no idea. I guess I’m nervous. I haven’t been in a bathroom since my son nearly drowned in an ocean of urine.

-I’m sorry to hear that. That’s how my uncle died. Want me to accompany you?

-Will you sing the bathroom song to me?

-Of course.

-Everything’s automatic here. This toilet’s flushed four times already just because I twitch constantly. Hey, what does this button do?

-Trust me, you do not want to know. Please do not—

-I had to.

-...

-Jesus Christ! There’s a dungeon in this Wawa?

-There’s a dungeon in every Wawa.

-Why?

-People steal our pre-peeled hard boiled eggs, we don’t want to wait for the police to come, yadda yadda yadda…

-So you pack them into this cellar? They’re all naked and visibly malnourished!

-Yeah, the prison manager quit a few months ago.

Recap: The employee I met at Wawa was very kind to me and had the voice of an angel. 73 points.

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