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1. You format it correctly. Nothing screams “help me” like knowing how to actually format a resume. Sure, you might have a higher chance of getting an interview, but just know that everybody is very, very concerned for you.
2. One of your hobbies/interests includes knitting. If your resume is an achievement-padded facade for your actual self, please at least look like you’re trying. There’s an endless number of things you can do to make yourself look more accomplished than you already are. “I broke the daily high score in Subway Surfers once” or “I kinda know how to swim” are a couple of them. Knitting is not.
3. Your name is Phineas. Fuck off, Phineas.
4. Your zip code isn’t in the top 10 list of wealthiest zip codes in the United States. Truly pathetic. Employers might feel bad for you, but all they’re really interested in is furthering the concentration of wealth among only the richest capitalists and exploiting the rest of humanity. Unfortunately, if you’re not from one of these 10 postal codes, you’re basically doomed.
5. You went to Penn. Sorry to hear that, dude.
6. You have the lyrics to Post Malone’s “I Fall Apart” scattered throughout your resume. Look, I know some of these points were a little harsh. But if this one also describes you, I'm really sorry that she broke your heart. It's gonna be okay. I know that you've "Never caught a feeling this hard / Harder than the liquor [you] pour" but you'll find love again. Just hang on tight, buddy.