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Satire  Published 10/29/17 7:13pm

“Ugh, Tinder is Too Addictive. I had to Delete It,” Says 21-Year-Old Alcoholic

inder

Photo by Tinder Inc. / CC0


In talking to her friends last week, alcoholic Sophia G. (W ‘19), reportedly claimed that “Tinder is too addictive” and that she “had to delete it off her phone” in order to “get her life in order.”

A finance major and high-functioning alcoholic, Sophia was adamant that Tinder was one of the greatest sources of procrastination in her life. “Lol, I would literally find myself sitting and swiping on dudes instead of being productive,” said Sophia, who often drinks heavily alone. "It’s, like, such a waste of time.”

The junior, who recently dropped a club that was really important to her but meets Sunday mornings so that now she can drink every weekend, says that Tinder didn’t really add anything to her life, and “honestly is just too addictive, you know.” The finance major, who finds herself making excuses more often to drink much more than she originally intended, is very serious about the end of her Tinder use. “I’m done with it. For real this time. I’m never downloading it again.”

Unwavering in her renouncing of the popular dating app, the 21 year-old who drinks daily also tries to convince her friends to delete their Tinder profiles in order to free up their time. “Life is just too short,” her friends have reportedly heard her say, “why waste it?”

At press time, Sophia has been sitting in the Huntsman Forum J-Swiping for the past 20 minutes.

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