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Satire  Published 09/25/17 12:57am

The 5 Best Places to Masturbate on Campus

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Photo by Daderot / Public Domain


5. A carrel on the 4th floor of Van Pelt - Nothing says “study break” like some good old-fashioned self care. The depressing noise of the air conditioners and the endless stacks of books make for great privacy, and if you're lucky, you might even get a spot with a window and a scenic view of College Hall. 

4. Any bathroom in the Quad - One of the more well-known spots on campus, the Quad bathrooms are a classic location for freshmen and seniors alike. Whether it’s your first time or you’re taking a stroll down memory lane, there’s something comforting about knowing that everyone jacks it in the Quad bathrooms. Besides, worse things have gone down those drains.

3. Insomnia Cookies - Snack n' whack. They're not going to let you behind the counter, but they're open until 3 AM. 

2. The financial aid office - There are lots of good places on campus to masturbate, but do those places have the potential to eliminate crippling debt? There are rumors of students that have had their aid doubled after jacking it in front of the office staff, so take advantage of the opportunity before it's too late. 

1. In front of those preachers on College Green - Masturbation as an act of resistance? Progressive AND kinky. Seriously, if the thought of doing this has ever even remotely crossed your mind, you should absolutely do it. Bring a friend or two. Turn it into a flash mob (a fap mob?). There really isn’t any better place to masturbate on campus, and you’re sure to receive applause when you finish.

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