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Satire  Published 10/01/17 2:42am

Jaded Sophomore Doesn’t Even Wave Back at Joe Biden

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Photo by Pixabay / CC0


Talia Luther (LSM ‘20) has basically done it all. Listen to her, and you’ll feel the weight a year-- a year-- of incomprehensible growth and suffering.

“I’m not a kid anymore.” Talia drawled to our impressed freshman reporter. “I know my way around this campus backwards and forwards, I can walk down Locust without feeling guilty about ignoring those flyer people, and I don’t need ol’ Momma Penn to make my food for me-- I live in Harnwell now.”

Nothing fazes her anymore. Neither her classes, nor her academic advisor’s progressively more frantic emails, nor the gaggle of underclassmen who throng around her at all hours of the day, eager to gain the wisdom of someone who’s pretty much experienced all that life has to offer.

Last week, our reporter caught up to her as she was lazily making her way to Houston for the seventh time in as many days.

“Back in my day, we didn’t even have Pret” the nineteen year old muttered, gesturing vaguely at Huntsman Hall, “Though I guess you wouldn’t know that, you’re too young.”

At this point, they were stopped by a swelling throng of cheering undergraduates. Talia, heroically maintaining her tight lipped grimace, pushed through the crowd with such practiced skill that several students and professors on the scene simultaneously burst into tears.

“What, another big shot? Big deal, these world leaders are all the same,” scoffed the girl who’d never left Pennsylvania in her life.

As she blandly raised her eyes to find a way through, she locked gazes with none other than Joe Biden himself. The former Vice President gleefully waved at her. But Talia? Talia knew better.

“She- she just kept walking” stammered our dazzled reporter, “she didn’t even care, she didn’t even wave back.”

But as Talia sagely opined, “It’s just Joe. He’s not even VP anymore. Who cares?”

Later, after her long, weary day had come to a close, she left us with a final statement:

“It’s tough, you know, being all grown up. I wish something interesting would happen.”

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