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Satire  Published 09/09/17 12:57pm

Sophisticated Sophomore Serves All-Cheese Platter in His Rodin Flat

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Photo by corinnabarbara/ CC0

/ The Daily Pennsylvanian


Kyle Puig (C '20) is done with boat racing at Banana Leaf BYOs and losing the jacket his mom gave him before college in the bathroom floor of Allegro. Now that Kyle is a sophomore, he has prepared to leave all such shenanigans in the past. He just needs to make sure his friends are on the same page.  

When we asked Kyle how he planned on re-inventing himself, he replied, “It’s all in the first get together. It really sets the tone for the semester, and dare I say for the rest of my time here at Penn. If I go in with Franz and Bankers, nothing has really changed. But I studied abroad in Italy over the summer. I live in the high rises now. I have academic interests. I’m a different person.”

Kyle invited us into his 8th floor Rodin digs to show us his elegant project, a fine plate he molded out of a variety of melted-down gourmet cheeses.

“Listen. Anyone can go to Di Bruno Bros. and get a ready-made cheese platter and ask them to pair it with a tasty wine. That’s amateur hour, that’s not what I’m here to do.” Kyle’s vision is that in just one bite you get a hit of Domitilla, a “funky, fudgy goat bursting with flavor,” a pop of Keen's Farmhouse Cheddar, with slight undertones of Cheez Whiz (Kraft). Classy!

The plate will be served on an oak slab alongside a powerful Limoncello that Kyle has been fermenting since the summer. The only song that will be played at the get together is a three hour cosmic soundscape that Kyle hopes will convey the main themes of the evening: Transformation. Sophistication. Love. Hope. Fear. Fun.

“This is really me in a plate,” Kyle said. “If you don’t get it, you don’t get me. You don’t get me.”

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