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Satire  Published 09/26/17 2:57am

Bathroom Review: The Quad

quad_bathroom_pic

Photo by Under the Button Staff


So much went down in my freshman year bathroom. I pooped for the first time in my life, I met my first girlfriend (a shampoo bottle), and my roommate accidentally got addicted to meth after sitting on a needle someone left on the toilet seat. (Rest in peace my sweet Franzio; you did not deserve to get a fatal sunburn just days after kicking the meth addiction.) Now’s not the time to reminisce, though– we have a bathroom to review.

The Paper Towel Dispenser

I was hoping that in the years since my freshman year someone would have fixed the paper towel dispenser but, to my intense dismay, I ruined an entire roll trying to get it to work. When trees go extinct and we have to wear scuba suits to breathe, you’ll know whose fault it is.

-13 points.

The Toilet

It gets the job done, but I’ll never forgive it for what it did to my roommate.

4 points.

Animals

The primary purpose of a bathroom is to be a place with no animals. This bathroom did not get that memo. It’s patronized by all sorts of insects, from a dead water bug to a praying mantis that stares at your junk and makes degrading comments about it (my ex-wife/doctor said I was imagining that). The mantis is a douchebag, but the water bug’s actually a pretty chill guy.

7 points.

Cleanliness

Gotta give credit here -- it looks like they cleaned up the Head and Shoulders shampoo that used to coat the floor, and now you could eat ground beef off any surface in the bathroom. I give you that very specific example because that’s what I did.

5 points.

Bottom Line

This bathroom falls firmly into the “neutral” category, with a total score of three points. It was good enough for me during my glory days of freshman year, and it’s good enough for me now. Franzio, again, I’m so sorry for what happened to you. John Jr., my son, I’m sorry I sold you to some very shady men so I could buy a new motorcycle. Linda, my ex-wife and doctor, I wish we could’ve patched things up. Call me if you ever feel like talking.

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