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Satire  Published 09/11/17 7:02pm

Penn Named #1 University in the World by My Parents

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Photo by Donnie Ray Jones / CC BY-2.0


There's no place like first place. Last week, the DP reported that Penn had been ranked the 10th best university in the world. Now, Penn has been upgraded to number one— by my parents.

My parents used a number of complex, quantitative measurements, including: how much they like to visit the city, how far from home I am, whether or not I'm eating well, and how nice my friends are. Penn received high marks across the board. 

Mom and Dad noted that, unlike the rest of the Ivy League, Penn is in "an interesting city," one that is "easy for us to visit, you know, to check up on you from time to time." While they admitted that Columbia is also in a great city, they insisted that "Philly is so much more affordable. If you were paying your own rent, you'd be thankful too."

They also called Penn "a top-notch institution," noting that there are "a lot of great professors" that I "should really go and talk to." My parents commented that I'm "looking healthy" and "seem to be doing well," which helped Penn's score.

Second on my parents' elite list was UCLA, "because Lisa's son goes there. Do you remember Lisa? You know, she's a lawyer. She's on the taller side, remember? Her son's name was Byron, or Bryant, or something like that. I never saw a kid eat so many lemons. Anyway, I think he's having a good time out there."

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