Satire  Published 09/25/17 8:13pm

Penn Football Demolishes Pee-Wee Team in Toughest Matchup of the Year


Photo: The Daily Pennsylvanian + Public Domain / Edited by Kasra Khadem

The athletic season has officially kicked off, and Penn’s teams have begun playing matches in front of tens of adoring fans. Penn's football team has faced an unprecedentedly difficult schedule this year, but has managed to rally in spite of this adversity.

In their toughest matchup of the year, Penn Football recently played a gruelling game against the undefeated Southern Long Island Flying Squirrels, one of the top Pee Wee teams in the nation. This matchup pitted Penn against a team in a completely separate division, with Penn typically competing in the Ivy League, and the Squirrels competing in the New York State Football4Fun League.

Despite the challenge of such tough contenders, Penn was able to win big. The Quakers absolutely routed the Squirrels 63-7, scoring 9 touchdowns in the process and injuring virtually every player on the Squirrels’ roster.

“They were big and strong, but in the end we just had a bit more resilience,” said a member of Penn’s coaching staff. “We’re used to playing lower-quality teams like Cornell and Dartmouth, so this was a challenge for us. But I’m happy to say that we came out on top.”

“I think the biggest issue was that we weren’t used to tackle football,” said Ryan Smith, quarterback for the Squirrels, as he was recovering in the ER from various bruises and fractures. “We mainly play one-hand touch and occasionally two-hand touch, so this was pretty hard for us.”

Next week, Penn Football will have another tough matchup, as they face the South Bronx Elementary School Mighty Dolphins. We wish them the best of luck as they continue on their path to some fraction of the Ivy League title.

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