About

Satire  Published 09/27/17 11:47pm

OP-ED: Hey Friend-os, I'm Not a Cop. Anyone Looking to Head Down to the Smokey Joe’s For Some Juice?

man_wearing_red_sunglasses

Photo by Louiemantia / CC A-SA 3.0


Hey, dudes and dudettes, I see you guys are hella walking in the direction of an organized off-campus event right now, that’s so baller. I was wondering if I could tag along. I, who am totally not an undercover cop, am also looking to head down to the Smokey Joe's for some juice.

What’s that? Get lost? I wish I could, but my stomach is a-rumbling for some liquor, and I gotta get my make-out on, ya feel? So how about you all and I head down to the nearest unregistered event together because I am totally not a narc. Let's get krunked!

Who am I? I am a college aged child, just like you, and not a policeman, who’s trying to get hickory-dickory-docked tonight. That's right, me, an average 18-22 youth, is seeking illicit activity in order to rave. I just transferred down from SUNY-Binghamton, so I don't know where all the area discotheques are yet. Did I know Rachel Melsburg? Yeah totally sounds familiar. No, don’t text her if she knows me. Seriously, don’t. She wouldn't remember me. Teach me how to Dougie, right guys?

Anways, task force, right? Blows so hard. But you know, I, a fellow socially relevant Penn student and totally not a cop, heard they’re not out tonight. What a bunch of #lamepeople, am I right? I didn't hear it from them, because I would never talk to a policeman, since I am totally not one. Hey get over here and give me your hand and dap me up, my guy.

Oh wow. This is what a dap is? I mean, we dap a lot differently at SUNY-Binghamton, where I previously established I just transferred from, lmfao. Where are we getting our hands on some cuckoo sauce tonight guys? I’m 5-8 regulation drinks deep, so I am absolutely wacked up and/or out on that good stuff. However, I could totally go for more of that weird water, brother. Hey I have a fun game, let’s all go around and say where we purchased our fake state ID’s which is a misdemeanor. More like college daze, amirite?

Man, it’s been so great getting to know all of you so far, I hope we can keep seeing each other around. Let’s exchange phone numbers and height and weight and Penn ID numbers. That’s a SUNY thing, it’s super cool.

Oh geez, ya'll, I may have to twerk on out of here. I see a possibly unregistered event of over 5 people taking place at that house over there and I am totally going to go participate and not shut it down because I am, as I have mentioned, not a policeman. You guys head along to the pub, I’m going to go check this one out alone. Peace out brother.

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.