Satire  Published 09/12/17 11:00am

Crime Log: September 6-12


Artwork by MJ Kang

Attempted Robbery

Sep 7: An unidentified perpetrator stormed into Wishbone around 1 am on Thursday, and demanded one and a half pounds of light meat chicken tenders. The restaurant was out of light meat, and the perpetrator reportedly did not like dark meat. After waiting a few minutes for the next batch, the would-be robber gave up and left empty-handed.

Possession of a Controlled Substance

Sep 6: An Engineering sophomore was arrested for possession of free time. 

Identity Theft

Sep 9: Freshman Michael Tan claimed he was a fraternity brother named Mike to impress girls at a party. The girls were not impressed, and the freshman was taken into custody. The other Mike exists, and he doesn't get any girls, either.

Child Abuse

Sep 12: Parents were charged with child abuse after bringing their seven year old son to visit Penn's campus, even though he has roughly a decade before it's time to apply. Police say the boy was "clearly having a bad time" and "really only had fun playing on and under the Button, but his parents didn't let him do that for very long."

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.