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Satire  Published 09/12/17 11:00am

Crime Log: September 6-12

v10

Artwork by MJ Kang


Attempted Robbery

Sep 7: An unidentified perpetrator stormed into Wishbone around 1 am on Thursday, and demanded one and a half pounds of light meat chicken tenders. The restaurant was out of light meat, and the perpetrator reportedly did not like dark meat. After waiting a few minutes for the next batch, the would-be robber gave up and left empty-handed.

Possession of a Controlled Substance

Sep 6: An Engineering sophomore was arrested for possession of free time. 

Identity Theft

Sep 9: Freshman Michael Tan claimed he was a fraternity brother named Mike to impress girls at a party. The girls were not impressed, and the freshman was taken into custody. The other Mike exists, and he doesn't get any girls, either.

Child Abuse

Sep 12: Parents were charged with child abuse after bringing their seven year old son to visit Penn's campus, even though he has roughly a decade before it's time to apply. Police say the boy was "clearly having a bad time" and "really only had fun playing on and under the Button, but his parents didn't let him do that for very long."

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