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Satire  Published 09/29/17 12:15am

Prestige: This Club Really Took a Step up by Rejecting Abby

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Photo by Shane Wenzlick / CC A-SA 3.0


After a long, drawn out decisions process last Sunday morning, Penn Hacky Sack Initiative made a critical move. They decided to to reject college sophomore Abby from their operations board, and boy has their image changed for the better!

The club, whose mission is to, “spread the love of hacky sack to all the people of God's green earth”, felt the next step forward for their organization was to decrease their acceptance rate and increase campus jealousy of said members.  “The decision fit the goals of our club,” said club president Aaron Roberts (W '19), “Although we did not spread the love of hacky sack to Abby, our exclusivity will pique others’ interest in the club.  Sometimes you have to make sacrifices on the road to success. I think this decision will give Hacky Sack Initiative the prestige that we’re looking for.”

And boy, did it! By cutting one out of the 6 students who applied, PHSI increased Penn students’ interest in the club by a whole person, compared to previous years. The interested person is Abby.  

A recent UTB study found that the percent of students who “looked with disdain on hacky sack” has gone down by a full 20% since last year.  Our most recent survey was taken the day after Abby’s rejection, and although we cannot confirm cause and affect, we are definitely suggesting correlation.

The application process to the board of PHSI included a long-form essay on the History of Hacky Sack and how Hacky Sack culture has changed in the age of technology, two coffee chats just to see if applicants “vibed” with the club, and an in person exposé where applicants could show off their skills. 

When asked which portion of the application Abby struggled with, Roberts replied that her essay could have been more concise and her skills needed work.  “Nobody had more passion than Abby but, despite our club's goal to spread joy through the game we love, our board requires real experience. She also seemed too eager, in my opinion, which kind of came off as desperate."

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