Satire  Published 07/28/17 4:32pm

SFS Will Now Offer Undergrads Financial Aid for Only 47 Days


/ Public Domain

Even though Penn's Financial Aid budget increased by $9 million this year, Student Financial Services will no longer offer fifth-year students aid. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. Another little-known provision in the school's financial aid policy will now be enforced, restricting undergraduate financial aid grants to only 47 days per student.

We spoke to an SFS representative, who told us: "This has actually been our official official policy for 34 years. In an effort to blindside as many students as possible, we decided not to enforce it until now."

When we asked why no one has ever heard of this policy before, the representative responded, "Ummmmmm.... well, it's technically been on our website for, like, ever. You just had to tilt your screen back a bunch, squint a little, and look at it kinda sideways to see it."

UTB checked in with two students affected by this, to get their reactions to the updated policy:

"Well, I heard we can choose which 47 days to attend Penn. So I can't really afford to take midterms, but I can probably get all my finals in?" said Hailey Chen, who is currently enrolled in a dual degree program.

"I guess if I take all the 28 courses I have left in one semester, I'll have enough hours in the day to go to class almost half of the time. That's about how much I show up usually, anyways," added Damon Spieth (C '20).

Some told us that they were planning to spend a few of those 47 days on Fling weekend, but that they would reconsider if Zedd performs again.

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