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Satire  Published 07/06/17 6:47pm

Penn Students Shocked to Learn There Is Another Grocery Store Near Campus

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Confused Woman Wearing Christmas Ornaments on Neck / Public Domain


By now, most people know that the Fresh Grocer is set to be replaced by an Acme supermarket in the near future. The only problem? FroGro won't leave. As the legal battle between FroGro and Penn rages on, many students have expressed concerns that the transition between FroGro and Acme will leave Penn and the surrounding area without any nearby grocery store during the school year.

However, they have nothing to fear! The grocery store Supreme Shop n Bag is located at 4301 Walnut, just three (3) blocks west of FroGro. Supreme is smaller, with a lesser selection and less high-end offerings (they don't have a sushi area, and if they are selling sushi you probably shouldn't buy it), but is a grocery store nonetheless. It has fresh produce, a deli, all the packaged foods and home goods you might expect from a grocery store, and an impressive "international" aisle. Plus, it's cheaper!

That being said, they do not sell alcohol.

We spoke to a number of Penn students to see what they thought about Supreme Shop n Bag. Here are their reactions:

"There's stuff west of 41st Street?" Engineering sophomore Bryan Zheng asked incredulously. "I'll believe it when I see it."

"Three blocks... Jesus, I'm going to need a car now. This school just keeps getting more expensive," Wharton senior Michael DiGiamoto complained. "Excuse me, I have to call my dad."

"43rd Street? Isn't that where poor people live?" asked Huntsman sophomore Ivan Iliev. "I guess I could Uber."

"I'm sorry, I can't talk right now," College junior Amy Rei said. "I need to stock up on expensive juices and FroGro Chinese food while I still can."

"I thought Fresh Grocer was the only grocery store in the Philadelphia metro area. You're saying that there is more than one grocery store in the Delaware Valley? Then why are the lines so long at FroGro?" wondered Engineering senior Shriman Acharya. 

"I'm just here so I don't get fined," said Raiders running back Marshawn Lynch.

"The alcohol thing is really my only concern," Wharton sophomore Dee Simton said nervously. "I'm too scared to use my fake at liquor stores, so FroGro has been a godsend."

"Supreme, you mean, like, box logos? There's a Supreme store in Philly? That's so tight," College freshman Andrew Hale said. "I fuck with the vision." 

"As long as I can still be disrespectful to the employees," College junior Heather Pirman reasoned, "then I guess it's fine."

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