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Satire  Published 06/20/17 6:13pm

Shameful: This Rising Junior Doesn't Even Have a Sick Internship

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Photo by Captain Andy / CC BY-SA 4.0


On a typical Monday morning in June, most Penn students wake up early to go to their internships. They crawl from their beds, often when it's still dark out. They are bleary eyed and despondent, ready for another day making spreadsheets at the office. Can you think of a better way to spend your summer?

Drew Marin, a rising Wharton junior from Clearwater, Florida, breaks the mould. Instead of spending his summer toiling for an unscrupulous investment company in sweaty New York City, Drew is living at home and working on a charter fishing boat with one of his uncles. What a fucking idiot.

Marin, who tells us that his summer job is "surprisingly lucrative" and "a really pleasant, engaging way to spend the summer," sounds incredibly stupid on the phone and looks like kind of a tool in his Facebook profile picture. That's to be expected, really, when you're dealing with someone who didn't even want to work 12 hour days in the financial district just to blow all their income on housing and drinks in Manhattan.

Unsurprisingly, Marin's reasons for choosing to spend his summer this way were as dumb as his phone number, which somehow has four 8's in it. How is that even possible? Who comes up with all these ideas for phone numbers? He doesn't need that many 8's. Anyway, he explained why he wanted to be in Clearwater instead of NY or DC.

"I realized that I won't have that many more years to really spend quality time with my parents," said Marin, who claims to be very close with his (likely pea-brained) father. "I also asked myself: what makes me happy? I love fishing, always have, and I wake up every morning excited to get back on the water. I spend all year working hard to secure my future... the summer is a time when I can just focus on being happy."

Uhh, newsflash: the summer is a time to work twice as hard, dumbass. 

It takes a special kind of ignoramus to believe that spending your summer earning good money, doing an enjoyable job, and waking up happy each morning is really the best move. More impressive still is Marin's stubborn insistence that "family time" is valuable. You know what's valuable? "BlackRock" on your resume.

Like the complete bonehead that he is, Marin tells us that he "isn't particularly worried" about getting a job later, because he "works hard during the year and will get a degree from Wharton." Yeah, we wouldn't be worried either if we were this colossally empty-headed.

"I don't want to work in that world anyway," said Marin, who apparently forgot that he goes to Wharton. "I think I'd like to start a company of my own, doing something that I know and love, maybe related to fishing," he continued. Good luck with that, moron.

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