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Satire  Published 06/13/17 5:06pm

Student Sees Laptop Being Stolen After Being Asked to Watch It, Does Nothing

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For 6 people studying in the basement of Van Pelt, today became a bit more miserable than usual when a theft took place at 11:46 am.

We spoke to Kara Phillips (C '20), who witnessed the crime.

"It all started when this girl asked me to watch her laptop while she went to the bathroom," she explained.

Phillips added that she thought she was doing a great job: "I was looking at it pretty intently for the 20 minutes it took her to go up to the third floor to find a single-stall restroom. I wasn't even doing any of my own work because I knew this was such a vital task.

"But, all of the sudden, some random guy walked up and stole the laptop."

Reports claim that Phillips did absolutely nothing to try to apprehend the thief. "Well, I had never thought that anyone would actually try to steal it!" she exclaimed, "I mean, I was watching it. What else was I supposed to do?

"I'm 19 years old; I'm not about to try to fight for the laptop of a complete stranger. I yelled loudly 'Hey, I'm watching that!' but for some reason the robber was totally unfazed."

Luckily, the thief was caught immediately, thanks to a particularly vigilant bag-checker.

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