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Satire  Published 06/12/17 6:03pm

Student Chooses to Waste Entire Summer by “Being Productive”

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Photo by mer chau / CC by 2.0


William Fisher appears to be completely useless. This summer, he was provided with an incredible gift: no problem sets, no midterms, and no commitments. Given an incredible opportunity to relax, go outside, and enjoy the summer, Fisher has decided to turn down all these opportunities in exchange of something much more boring. 

Sources tell UTB that the rising sophomore has made a vow to spend his summer “working hard” and “being productive.”

“I think I’m gonna take a couple online courses,” Fisher said. “Maybe teach myself how to code, learn some history, and even voluntarily read.” 

These absurd goals have caused many to question Fisher’s intelligence, and whether or not he is even fit to be a Penn student. 

“I have no idea what this guy is doing,” says Fisher’s friend, Richard Smith. “He spent the entire school year submitting things at the last minute and barely passing his classes, but now he wants to actually do some work.” 

Although a month of the summer has already gone by and Fisher has spent this entire time watching Netflix, he is adamant that the rest of the summer will be spent productively. “This isn’t just gonna be an ordinary summer,” he says. “After I finish the last season of Prison Break, the last two seasons of Suits, and rewatch all five seasons of Breaking Bad, I’m gonna get started on some real work."

In a completely bewildering act of utter stupidity, Fisher claims that he is “planning to get ahead on courses for next semester.” It remains unclear as to whether he is simply a masochist, or just confused as to how the concept of an academic calendar works. 

We wish the best for Fisher as he wastes his summer with constructive work. At least he has all of next year to be lazy and unproductive. 

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