About

Satire  Published 06/29/17 1:57pm

​Desperate Junior Makes Fake PennCard So She Can Get into Smokes

46472_smokesf

Photo: The Daily Pennsylvanian


Melissa Hyland (C '19) has never been to Smokes.

She has a fake straight from IDJesus. She can recite her address forward and backward: 100 Main Street, Hartford, Connecticut 06105. It's scannable. She even has an "alternate form of ID" called her debit card. But it's never been enough.

Every time she tried to go out with her friends, the 18-year old Smokes bouncer would take a long look at her fake.

"So, you're 24?"

"Uh yeah, I took a gap year..."

"Okay, well, can I see your Penncard?"

"Um, I live off-campus, um, so I don't actually have it on me, um, yeah."

And, every time, the barely post-pubescent bouncer would hand back her ID and she would go home.

Hyland needed a change. She didn't want to eat Enjay's pizza at 8:00 and wait three hours for people to show up at the bar. She didn't want to wait until she turned 21 (her birthday is in July, smh). What she needed was a fake PennCard.

So she went to the second floor of the bookstore and paid 35 dollars in bursar for another PennCard. It had a hologram—nice. Then, Hyland used an Ultra Fine Black Sharpie to expertly change the 9 on her graduation date to an 8.

Tonight, she'll be using it for the first time. Sink-or-swim. And this time, Hyland knows she's in.

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.