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Satire  Published 06/27/17 6:11pm

BREAKING: Amazon to Acquire FroGro for $9.58

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Photo: Chris Poliquin / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Looks like FroGro won’t be shutting down after all.

In a stunning move that shocked both the tech and food industries, Amazon (NYSE: AMZN), has agreed to a full corporate buyout of the Fresh Grocer on 40th and Walnut. In this blockbuster acquisition, Amazon is dishing out a whopping $9.58 to make the deal, almost double the current valuation of FroGro.

The new and revamped Fresh Grocer will reportedly not even be a grocery store, and will actually just be an extension of the Amazon Center under Commons. Students will be required to order their groceries one day in advance, and then come to the new Fresh Grocer to pick them up from some cool metal box things that no one really understands. 

Keeping with Amazon’s style, the new FroGro will also contain numerous lounge areas and comfortable couches, where computer science majors can sit together and complain about how difficult their course-load is.  

Rising senior Richard Smith was ecstatic about the new changes. “Now, if I want to buy bad guacamole and questionable fish, I can just order it online! I actually haven’t been to a real store in 2 and a half years, and I’m definitely not planning on breaking my streak any time soon for something as meaningless as food.” 

No need for any candlelight vigils anymore; our beloved FroGro is here to stay (sort of). 

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