Satire  Published 05/10/17 3:42pm

BREAKING: James Comey to Head Penn's Fight Against Off-Campus Organizations


Photo by Rich Girard / CC BY-SA 2.0

Only a day after he was fired by the Trump administration, former F.B.I. director James Comey has already found new employment. 

Maureen Rush, Vice President for Public Safety and Superintendent of Penn Police, delivered a prepared statement announcing the selection of James Comey as Director of Off-Campus Investigation on Wednesday afternoon. 

"As time passes, the needs of the Penn community change. We have been successful in reducing crime and making campus a less dangerous place, but now it's time to refocus and accept a larger responsibility to keep Penn students safe. As we all know, off-campus organizations represent a major threat to the wellbeing of Penn students. For that reason, we are bringing in former Director of the F.B.I. James Comey to serve as the new Director of Off-Campus Investigation."

Comey, while not yet in Philadelphia, responded to our questions over the phone. He refused to address his recent termination at the F.B.I., but was more than willing to discuss his plans for Off-Campus Investigation. A partial transcript has been printed below.

UTB: While you have experience in government, what makes you qualified to deal with off-campus organizations?

Comey: Well, I have a lot of experience dealing with dangerous criminal organizations, and plan to apply this experience to Penn's underground Greek community. I helped take down the Gambino crime family. I tracked and took down terrorist groups and white collar crime organizations alike. I think I can handle some kids in sweatpants.

UTB: How do you plan to gather information on the membership and activity of these groups, as the task force recommended?

Comey: As you may be aware, I signed off on enhanced interrogation techniques including waterboarding and sleep deprivation. Each one of these could be useful in extracting information from members, provided I get approval from the administration. I'd also be interested in sending undercover agents to join these groups and report from the inside. It's only a matter of time until they come crumbling down. 

UTB: Does it seem like a step down, for you to go from F.B.I. director to this position?

Comey: No. This is a lateral move. I consider this a comparable role, and I will treat it with the same respect I had for my previous position.

UTB: What will be some of the first steps you take in this new role?

Comey: One thing I'm going to do is open investigations into Owls and Tabard about their connections to foreign countries. Otherwise, we'll just be focusing on surveillance, within reason, and working with informants. 

UTB: Couldn't you just look at the pledge class photos of these groups on Facebook and then write down the tagged names? Or photos from their formals?

Comey: Hey man, I've got a good gig here. I just lost my job and Penn really pulled through for me with this cushy position. Yeah, I could do that, but then Penn wouldn't need me anymore. Please don't mess this up for me.

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