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Satire  Published 04/04/17 1:15pm

Vagelos Junior Maintains 4.0 but Can't Cook Anything Without Setting off Smoke Detector

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Photo by Austin Murphy / CC 3.0


Talk about a failure.

Vagelos junior Victoria Meyers has it all: a 4.0 GPA, a loving and supporting network of friends, and a pair of tickets to the Latin BBQ. Many envy the ease with which she seems to ace every single exam and assignment. She's engaged in the Penn community and is loved by all who know her. 

What doesn't Meyers have? Well, the basic skills necessary to cook literally any food item without setting off her smoke detector. 

"Some things are understandable," says roommate Shelly Taylor (W'18). "Burgers smoke a ton and high-rise ventilation is non-existent, so it's only natural that the alarm would go off." Other instances are less excusable. Taylor tells UTB that Meyers consistently sets off the smoke detector while boiling water for pasta. Even when Meyers is able to successfully bring water to a boil, she often forgets to add salt. But even this wasn't the most egregious offense.

"She once set off the smoke detector while making a sandwich," a dumbfounded Taylor remarked. "It wasn't even a hot sandwich, it was just turkey, cheese, and mustard." The amount of smoke generated from this sandwich was so great that when Meyers opened her door to help ventilate the room, it set off alarms all down her hall. 

"I just don't understand how someone so gifted and smart is such a klutz in the kitchen," says a close friend of Meyers who chose to remain anonymous. After careful and thorough reporting, it's clear that the model student's academic prowess fails to translate into other aspects of her life. 

Reportedly, Meyers is seeking help through a mentoring/support group for absolutely terrible cooks. While she has made strides towards success, her roommates are still made nervous by her cooking. "Every time she fixes herself a bowl of cereal, I just can't help but think 'what if,'" says Taylor. "We really just want the best for her; she needs to get the help she needs. Or maybe just order in once in a while."

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