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Satire  Published 04/11/17 7:38pm

New Starbucks to Fill Space Left by American Apparel

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Photo: Chitrapa / Public Domain


With the recent closure of American Apparel (RIP), University officials have been debating what its replacement should be. Finally, it seems like they have made a decision.

“Even with the addition of the Acme With A Starbucks, we only have Starbucks on 40th and Walnut, 39th and Walnut, 36th and Walnut— everyone forgets about the one on the second floor of the Bookstore— and last but not least, 34th and Walnut. Well, and one on 38th and Locust. And 34th and Chestnut. Oh yeah, and another one at the hospital too,” a spokesperson for the University informed UTB. “But we realized that there weren't any on 37th street! Luckily, we had a few extra million dollars in tuition lying around, so we decided to put them to good use.”

Reactions to the news seemed to vary greatly among the student body. While one student noted that “it was great that you no longer have the option to walk more than a block to get coffee,” she couldn't help but wonder, “but when are we going to get another Saxbys?”

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