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Satire  Published 04/06/17 11:16am

Meth Lab Discovered In Perry World House?

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Photo: Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian


We all knew this was coming. The signs were all there, including several handwritten “meth lab heer” notes on lined paper. But it took the greatest investigative journalism publication on campus to finally uncover the truth - there is a meth lab under Perry World House.

Here’s the proof:

- “Perry” has an “e” in it. “Meth” also has an “e” in it. You do the meth math.

- According to MethNet, signs of a Meth Lab include excessive security, unusual odors, and meth. How about all of the above?

- There is no stated function for the basement of Perry World House, nor is there any known function of Perry World House in general. Certainly seems like they’re hiding something.

- Amy Gutmann got a huge salary cut this year, and yet she’s still thriving. Where could that extra money be coming from? Yep, you guessed it. The meth lab.

- "Meth" has a "t" in it. "Perry World House" doesn't. Could they be more obvious about the fact that they're hiding something?

Upon asking the head police investigator how she verified the existence of the meth lab, she responded, “No one has been able to prove that there isn’t a meth lab under Perry World House. The constitution is pretty clear - Meth Lab until proven not Meth Lab.”

Case closed.

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