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Satire  Published 04/20/17 11:28am

BREAKING: High School Senior Gets Into All 8 Ivies, Chooses Cornell

decision_cornell

Photo by 3dman_eu / CC0 Public Domain


No one could have possibly predicted this outcome. John Windsor, a high school senior from Hartford, CT, was ecstatic upon being accepted into every single Ivy League school this spring. His family was thrilled too, although they were not surprised - they were under the common misconception that smart people automatically get accepted into all of the top schools. To clarify for those who are similarly confused, very few students ever have gotten into all 8 Ivies. For those who do, most frequently they choose to attend Harvard, Yale, or Princeton.

Which is what made it so shocking when John revealed his choice.

“We were both sitting in the living room when it happened — I was reading the paper and Helen was scrolling through Facebook,” John’s father, William, explained. “He just walked right in and told us his decision.” William paused to blow his nose in an aggressive, fatherly way.

“We just never expected he would go that direction,” Helen, John’s mother, continued. “I mean, he’s always gone his own way, he's always been fiercely independent, but no one could have predicted this.”

After extending our condolences to John’s parents, we decided to speak directly to the man himself. John was kind enough to explain his decision to us.

“It was simple, really. Everyone who gets into a bunch of the Ivies does the same thing. I mean, what’s life without a little bit of variation? Schools like Cornell are so used to rejection, I would just be another one contributing to their low-ass yield. But so few people get to turn down Harvard, Yale, or Princeton - I couldn’t pass up that opportunity to do something really special,” John explained.

Starting next Fall, John will be on his way to joining the ranks of famous Cornell alumni like Andy from The Office, Ann Coulter, and Carlisle Cullen, who taught at Cornell in the second book of the hit young adult series Twilight.

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