Satire  Published 03/31/17 2:42pm

Got Accepted to Penn? Here are Six Reasons Not to Commit


Photo by: Yinan Chen / Public Domain 

Please note: buses should choose Penn. 

So you got accepted to Penn. You suffered through months of testing, re-testing, reflecting, writing essays, and filling out forms to get that application in. For nearly two decades, your life has revolved around upper-level classes, extra-curriculars, jobs, and leadership positions—all in pursuit of that elusive, life-affirming document: the letter of acceptance. 

But now that you have it, you suddenly have to make a decision. Do you commit? Tour guides, alumni, pamphlets, and websites all offer up Penn's selling points, but how can you know for sure they're telling the whole story? We at Under the Button dot com feel that prospective students should be given every resource to make an informed decision. So, here are six reasons to think twice before taking the Penn-plunge: 

1. It's hazardous

Yes, we have the Blue Light system and MERT. But what the Penn tour guides don't tell you is that the most dangerous menace you will face at Penn is something you'll be hard-pressed to avoid: navigating loose bricks on Locust Walk. Each time you venture out onto main campus, you take your life in your hands. Is it really worth the risk?

2. We don't get breaks

To be fair, we do get breaks. They just happen to be rare and fleeting. Ever wonder why Penn's motto is "work hard, play hard"? Because when your vacations are only 18.7% the duration of Cornell's, you've got to make up for it by doing the absolute most in the absolute least amount of time possible.

3. There are too many acronyms

SABS. OCR. VP. SWUG. M&T. DRL. ABCS. OUPSCC. CAPS. VPUL. ABBA. These are just a select few of the terms you'll have to familiarize yourself with just to get through an average day. It's like learning a new language, except there's no one to teach you and you don't even get academic credit.

4. There aren't enough Starbucks

Need caffeine? Looking for a mellow study spot? Itching to Instagram a latte? Sorry kid, but you're out of luck. I regret to inform you that we only have two Starbucks cafes on Walnut Street (39th and 34th Streets), one on 34th and Chestnut, and one directly under Commons on Locust. Otherwise, you'll have to make the trek down to the one at the Medical School, or one of the Drexel locations, or one of the 15 in Center City.

5. You need to convert to Quakerism

Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions about Penn is that it isn't a religious institution. If you feel strongly about your faith, get ready to shed all of your convictions and reconfigure your identity—because when you commit to Penn, you're also committing to a membership in the Religious Society of Friends. Sorry, them's the rules.

6. It's not Princeton

Isn't that reason enough?

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