What You Should Give up for Lent

Happy Ash Wednesday to our Lent practicing friends! You may have come through for the pre-game of Lent, in which case you might still have a blob of ashes on your head as you read this (pro tip: do not take any sort of nap on Ash Wednesday. You will end up getting the dust -from which God made us- all over the place). Now it's time to prepare for the main fastivities! Some of you might be tempted to take Papa Francis' recent advice to fast from indifference to the suffering others. To make Lent not only a season of self-reflection and sacrifice, but also of showing love to those around you. In his words, "I distrust a charity that costs nothing and does not hurt". 

Wow! What a downer! But he's right that giving up chocolate, soda, and/or swearing are all played out. While we don't have any theologians on staff*, we do have some tips for Lenten sacrifices that would make the world a better place. Here's the word: 

When it comes to choosing something to give up for Lent, it is key to keep in mind your neighbors.  We here at Under The Button dot com haven noticed a recent uptick in noise. Have people always chewed this loudly? Stepped this loudly? Made love this loudly? We think not. What better way to love your neighbors than by gifting them your (lack of) presence? 

This Lent, everyone on campus should give up making noise. Any noise at all. Here's our five step plan to cut out the culprits of noise pollution in order to achieve a wholly (or holy?!) silent campus for the next 42 days. 

1. When you see a mouse in your room, do not scream. Get down to the furry creature's level, stare into its eyes. This is how you tame a mouse. The mouse is now your roommate, and will soon become your closest ally. Use this in the weeks to come. 

2. Give up crunchy snacks. There's no way around this one, folks. Chips, carrots, a crisp $20, it's all out of your diet now. Silent spring, silent snacks.

3. Can we talk about morning alarms? Everyone thinks the best way to kick start your days is with some tunes. (A personal favorite of mine is the hit album Chant as recorded by the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos at their monastery in Burgos, Spain. It slaps. Listen to it after Lent, though.) But this is WRONG. Instead of using an auditory alarm, just bite right into a habanero pepper immediately after sunrise. It wakes you right up! 

4. Flatulence is canceled. So are flagellants. 

5. Everyone should also give up typing on lapto- 

*Note: If you are a theologian interested in joining our staff, email tips@underthebutton.com. Thanks. Bless.