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Satire  Published 03/28/17 3:59am

DP Weather Columnist: No One Knows What the Weather Will Be Anymore, So Stop Asking

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According to recent weather data, it has become apparent that meteorological seasons no longer exist.

This unexpected yet historically-significant shift away from the what we assumed was a relatively fixed climate is not a result of any changes in Earth's astronomical positioning, but instead due to meteorological deviations, the cause of which is still unknown.

Over the last few months, the weather community in the American Northeast has been meticulously collecting and logging information on temperature fluctuations, types, and amounts of precipitation, and pressure systems— and experts have been powerless to find any intelligible patterns that would point to the continued existence of four discrete seasons.

The global computer models that meteorologists use to track weather patterns are in strong agreement over the possibility that this region of Earth has essentially been dispossessed from the climatological influence that has, until now, always produced a summer, winter, spring, and autumn. This would explain why the Philadelphia area could, and did, see temperatures in the mid-70s on a Wednesday and two inches of snowfall that Thursday … in the middle of February. Perhaps, the fine upstanding gentleman who goes professionally by 2 Chainz said it best when he uttered the prophetic line, "Pull up in some shorts, middle of December." 

But that was not an isolated incident. The 2016-2017 academic year has been characterized by routinely nonsensical weather so far, and it looks like this absence of meteorological order will not be resolved any time soon. In other words: throw away your calendars.

Despite the fact that everything I know as Penn’s premier (and, to my knowledge, only) meteorologist may be invalidated by this news, I have chosen not to step down from my duties as the DP’s weather columnist. I will continue to serve the community to the best of my ability, even though I am now powerless to comprehend and predict the weather we will be experiencing from now on. 

You can still expect me to provide you with the latest weather news when I feel comfortable writing on the subject, only I’d appreciate if you stopped asking me directly. Because, to be completely transparent with you, dear readers, every day will now be an absolute crapshoot, as far as weather is concerned. 

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