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Satire  Published 03/13/17 1:11pm

UTB Meteorologist: "The End is Nigh"


Abandon all hope, ye who live in the Northeast.

As Monday night's storm looms and the expectation of class cancellation rises, we spoke to our staff meteorologist, who definitely exists, about what she predicts will happen in the following days. The color drained from her face as she detailed the hellish 48 hours to come.

"We're going to see an unprecedented amount of bad things occur," she told us. "I've been looking at all the radars, all the barometers, all the data, all the clouds, and I can tell you that it's gonna be one hell of a storm."

She predicts anywhere from 2 to 36 inches of snow with wind gusts reaching 40mph in regular areas of campus and 120mph in High Rise Field. "Anyone who weighs below 105 pounds should not walk through West campus. They'll simply blow away and be lost forever," she explained. When asked about the possibility of cancelled classes on Tuesday, she smiled wanly. "Quite frankly, it'll be a miracle if any institution of higher-learning still exists on Wednesday."

Her formal prediction for the storm is that "the end is nigh," and that all students should prepare for the worst. We pressed further on what she meant and she unraveled, declaring, 

"And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him."

She then rushed out of the room saying that she needed to visit her family, quitting her job at UTB and disappearing into the bustling street.

In short, it's gonna snow a lot.

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