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Satire  Published 03/28/17 3:56am

Three Injured in Scooter Accident on Locust Walk

scooter_pic

Photo by Jesse Palmer / CC 2.0


A student riding a Razor scooter collided with two pedestrians on Locust Walk on Monday at approximately 1:50 p.m. Eyewitnesses report watching the scooter hit a loose brick and ejecting its rider into the two students, one of whom was speed walking to class while staring at his phone and one of whom was avoiding a particularly aggressive Locust flyer distributor.

"I just saw this blue and silver blur rush past me. Then I heard the sickening sound of a metal Razor scooter colliding hard with flesh," said Wharton junior Kristin Anderson, the flyer distributor. "Next thing I know, there are three mildly scraped up kids on the ground. I called MERT for the first time in my three years at Penn, just to be safe. Also, come out to our show this Friday and Saturday at 8 p.m. in Houston Hall!"

The scooter rider, whose name has not been released, was allegedly running late for a midterm. Bystanders report that he failed to give adequate warning to pedestrians walking in front him, even before he lost control of the vehicle.

"That dude had sped down the bridge and maintained a ton of speed coming down Locust," said Damien Olander, a College sophomore whose parents never bought him a scooter or let him have any fun. "He was going to end up hitting someone sooner or later. Scooter riders are a menace to this campus, I tell you."

Riding bicycles is banned from 8:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. on weekdays on Locust Walk, but use of scooters is not. Sources report that, due to this incident, Penn Parking Services officials have assembled a committee to evaluate the need for a weekday scooter ban as well. 

All three students sustained injuries and, although none of the injuries were life-threatening, all three confirmed that the embarrassment of explaining the accident is sure to do lasting damage. The scooter in question was unharmed.

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