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Satire  Published 03/28/17 3:40am

Penn Sues Penn State Over Name Conflict

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Photo by the DP Design Department


The University of Pennsylvania has filed a lawsuit against Penn State University on the grounds of trademark infringement, according to a brief filed yesterday.

In the brief, Penn alleged that Penn State University has violated a long-standing Penn trademark on the name “Penn” since its founding in 1855. The brief continued to demand that the court immediately restrict the school’s use of the name.

“Based on trademark filings from Penn’s founding in 1740, we have determined that the use of the name ‘Penn’ is proprietary to the University of Pennsylvania. We are filing for an immediate injunction against Penn State University, which we request to be hereafter referred to as State University.”

University of Pennsylvania Attorney William McSweensley began his opening argument in the courtroom by discussing the damages that State University’s use of the Penn brand name has caused.

“Gentlemen of the jury, I stand here today on behalf of all students at the University of Pennsylvania who were mistakenly believed to be students of State University. There is no greater insult to a student of an Ivy League University of Penn’s caliber to be relegated to the status of a school that … I guess is good at football?”

State University students were understandably outraged.

“Now how are we going to apply for a position at J.P. Morgan in the hopes they mistake us for Penn students?” one State University freshman said.

Penn’s class action lawsuit against State University requests an immediate injunction, as well as damages estimated to be around $1 billion as a result of the merchandising violations. Penn’s attorney hopes to win one final victory over the "Penn" in Pennsylvania.

“Maybe if the jury likes our argument, we can get their football team too,” McSweensley pontificated.

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