About

Satire  Published 03/28/17 3:57am

Penn Quarterback Alek Torgersen Turns Down Cleveland Browns in Favor of Goldman Sachs

torggoldmansachs

Photo: Karson Cahoe | Washed Up Photo Editor / The Daily Pennsylvanian


The Cleveland Browns should really just give up on taking quarterbacks in the first round of the NFL Draft at this point.

The Browns, armed with the first overall selection in this year's draft by virtue of having the NFL's worst record, took a chance on Penn football quarterback Alek Torgersen. But DP sources learned Tuesday that Torgersen has declined to sign his rookie contract and will end his pursuit of an NFL career in order to work at Goldman Sachs.

"It's a tough decision to step away from the game, that's for sure," Torgersen said. "A lot of it is financial … I have to do what's best for my family. And, while Cleveland's offer of $30 million guaranteed with another $12M in incentives was flattering, this unpaid summer internship at Goldman will open doors and give me valuable experience, which they told me is really worth up to nine figures — untaxed money, mind you."

Despite a solid Penn career, Torgersen was seen as a potential mid-round pick at best. But for Cleveland, making the Ivy gunslinger the first name called on draft night was an easy choice.

"When we realized that drafting him first overall would make no sense, we simply had to have him," Browns GM Sashi Brown said. "We're certainly disappointed that he won't be coming to Cleveland, but that means he'll be a net zero over the course of his Browns tenure. And that probably makes him our best first rounder in years."

But while the news certainly left Clevelanders feeling dejected, it brought great relief for Torgersen's well-wishers back at Penn Athletics.

"I mentor these kids," said head football coach Ray Priore. "For four years I watch over them as if they are my own. And, from recruitment to the day they graduate, we promise that we are positioning them to Thrive After Penn. We are using these four years to guarantee them a better future."

Wiping a tear, Priore continued: "When I heard he had been drafted into service for the Cleveland Browns, my first reaction was to think, the blood is on my hands. Fortunately, Goldman saved the day."

For Torgersen, an already impressive Penn legacy is capped off with the dual distinction of being the first Quaker drafted first overall and the first College student to get past the first round of interviews at Goldman.

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.