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Satire  Published 03/20/17 7:53pm

​Junior Tearfully Returns St. Paddy's Day T-Shirt to Back of His Closet, Where It Will Remain for the Next 360 Days

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Photo: Public Domain / publicdomainpictures.net


After a weekend full of dartying and debauchery, junior Sam Rothschild (C '18) has reportedly returned his impossibly green, incredibly  "Kiss me, I'm Irish" tee to the back of his closet. When asked if the lucky garment would ever make an appearance in the near future, Rothschild wistfully told UTB that the T-shirt won't be coming out of hiding until next year.

"Look, I got a couple good Instagrams out of it, but now that St. Patrick's Day is over there's no real reason to wear the shirt," Rothschild explained sadly. "It's a shame, because it's always a real hit on the one weekend I can wear it. Everyone is like 'oh nice, a green shirt.'"

Rothschild, who wore the shirt two days in a row without washing it because all his friends were too drunk to roast him for doing so, admits that he isn't that dedicated to celebrating St. Patrick or his legacy during the rest of the year. "It's not like I actually care about Irish culture during any other time of the year — people just need to know that I got drunk between the hours of 11am and 5pm last weekend. But I am sad to pack it away, because every time I wear it I have a great time. Also, it says 'kiss me'. How cool is that?"

The shirt was given a hero's farewell, complete with 21 gun salute, and is currently stuffed next to a couple abandoned fling tanks, a pair of stained American flag board shorts, and what appears to be some sort of construction worker Halloween costume in Rothschild's closet. Sources report that the garment may be brought back into circulation at any point before next St. Paddy's Day if Rothschild runs out of clean shirts.

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