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Satire  Published 03/28/17 3:41am

Sophomore Cries on Locust After Losing S'well Bottle

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A loud, screeching cry burst from the center of campus on Friday afternoon.

After a lovely dinner at Sweet Green with her SKisters, College Sophomore Sophie Lerman was strolling down Locust when she realized she didn’t have her beloved S’well water bottle.

This comes in the wake of three other devastating S’well losses on campus just this week.

When asked to describe what her bottle looked like, Lerman gave a vague response. “It is woven with the spirit of the Aegean Sea and sprinkled with global influence.”

From this description and detailed research, The Daily Pennsylvanian has determined that Lerman’s water bottle is from S’well’s Textile Collection.

S’well aficionado and Nursing junior Angela Davenport attempted to further explain Lerman’s description.

“I took a design class last semester, so I really feel like I understand how artistically unique each S’well water bottle is. You can’t really describe them and you definitely can’t just replace them,” said Davenport. “I’m afraid Sophie’s bottle is lost forever.”

Lerman’s loss also affects her health and well-being. She explained that water from the S’well is filled with special nutrients and vitamins. But when asked to name them, she mumbled and just continued to cry. “I can’t just go out and buy another water bottle,” Lerman lamented as she shook two fists in the air. 

This S'well water bottle holds special significance for Lerman. The only reason the DP knows is because Lerman would not stop talking about it.

“My big gave it to me and she got one from her grandbig, who got one from her big and I want to give one to my little so she can give one to her little, or my little little, but now that tradition is broken!" Lerman cried. "Just to be clear, I still love my lin!!” she clarified.

Lerman's logic is slightly confusing, but one thing is clear: she needs to calm down. After a few minutes, a Penn maintenance worker slowly approached Lerman with a leaf blower. The worker told the DP that he was sent to “drown out her [Lerman’s] cries.” 

Penn Real Estate Services could not be reached for comment. 

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