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Satire  Published 03/28/17 3:47am

Dean Furda's Son Rejected From Penn

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Photo by DP Design Staff


Tens of thousands of students submit their personal statements and Common Applications to Penn each year, crossing their fingers and hoping for the best.

This year, one of those students was Benjamin F. Furda, who was effectively submitting an application to his dad.

“It was a little weird,” Furda said. “I knew he’d be objective though.”

Objective he was — the young Furda was ultimately handed a rejection.

“It sucked cause [Dean Eric Furda] didn’t even tell me ahead of time, so I had the web cam all set up for the reaction video, and my dad set up a direct line to his admissions blog, and then I just got the email that said I’d been rejected, so I immediately started crying and yelling at him and it was all live on his blog.”

One of the most avid readers of Dean Furda’s admissions blog, an elderly “Future Penn Grandma” named Beverly Carter who lives in Rhode Island, confirmed that the meltdown was broadcast live.

“It was odd to watch,” Carter said, “It seems like neither father nor son can ever stop smiling in a really eager way, so the two Furdas were arguing and yelling at each other and tears were streaming down the smaller one’s face but they both had these big ‘Welcome to Penn! Host a Quaker! Sign up for NSO!’ smiles on their faces.”

“It must be some genetic abnormality,” she speculated.

Carter noted that she did not have news on her granddaughter’s acceptance to Penn, because her granddaughter is currently three.

Dean Furda initially declined to comment for this article because he was super busy and had no time, but after he realized that there are eight hours in the business day and he could literally just say one sentence on the phone to a reporter and it would take two seconds, he did.

“I had to do what I thought was right,” he said. “Benjamin Franklin Furda just isn’t Quaker material. He doesn’t look good in red or blue, and he certainly wasn’t a match, personality-wise.”

When asked what a personality match to Penn, a school made up of lots of different kinds of people, would look like, Furda hung up the phone.

In an interesting twist, Ben Furda was accepted to Princeton.

“Hell yeah, I’m going to Princeton!” he was seen saying in the mirror yesterday, over and over again, to try to convince himself of his own excitement.

The younger Furda also plans to pursue a career in admissions, and said he has a plan to exact revenge.

“My dad is gonna write a killer essay to get in some fancy retirement home some day, and I’m gonna be there,” he said, large smile still plastered on his face, but visibly sweating. “I’ll say, sorry Eric. You’re just not New Horizons material.”

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