About

Satire  Published 03/17/17 2:10pm

Frats to Introduce Extreme Vetting for St. Patty's Weekend

screen_shot_20170317_at_124611_pm

Photo: T. Cowart / Flickr


A fraternity without borders is not a fraternity.

Earlier today, the Interfraternity Council released a statement detailing new vetting procedures for party entry over St. Patty’s Day weekend. Although the IFC has been shy to call this a “Drexel Ban”, these new procedures will be used to specifically target unwanted Drexel students.

We spoke with Frat House Press Secretary Shawn “Gumball” Geiser in a press briefing that excluded 34th Street, The DP, and (for some reason) The WALK. Geiser told us that “The IFC is taking measures to take our vetting procedures from moderate to extreme. Cracking down on Drexel students entering our parties is a number one concern of the administration, as these outsiders present a very real threat to our fraternity’s security.” We then pushed the gum-gobbling Geiser to provide us with any data to substantiate his claims regarding Drexel students. He proceeded to turn red in the face, stumble over his words, and call UTB “fake news”, which of course we are.

As far as the specifics of the plan are concerned, the administration is following its usual pattern of offering vague non-answers to specific questions. However, we did learn of some preliminary measures. Incoming party-goers must identify “who they know here” and male students must “carry a sick ratio, bro.” 

They must also provide proof of studentship, either by presenting a valid PennCard or by wearing a combination of a Canada Goose jacket and a Moncler hat. Potential entrants will also have to pass an ideological test that affirms a love for Ben Franklin, a deep hatred for Commons, and a cutting sense of pity for Cornell. Geiser insists that, “People will love these new measures. They’re infallible and will keep the Penn community safe.”

Update: That one artsy kid with blue hair from down the hall has been detained by the IFC for four hours due to suspicions regarding their university of origin.

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.