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Satire  Published 03/28/17 3:41am

Beyonce Knowles' Unborn Twins Just Committed to Penn Volleyball

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Photo: Beynana Chandra / The Daily Pennsylvanian


As one of the nation's most prestigious institutions of higher learning, Penn has always been a magnet for some of the most powerful families in the country. But Penn volleyball's newest additions are flat-out royalty.

The Penn Athletics community, and the city of Philadelphia as a whole, were blessed on Monday when superstar singer Beyoncé's unborn twins committed to join the Penn volleyball squad immediately upon their impending birth.

"We are extremely excited by the news that our volleyball family has been blessed and will be growing by two this year," said new Penn coach Katie Schumacher-Cawley.

The successful wooing of the most highly-sought-after fetuses in college athletics is, in a sense, the first win of Schumacher-Cawley's Penn career (which will begin in earnest when the Quakers play their opening game in September).

"When Katie interviewed for the job, she promised us she would lure top talent to the University of Pennsylvania," Athletic Director M. Grace Calhoun said in a statement. "If her first 100 days are any indication, our faith in her will pay off in spades."

Penn president Amy Gutmann lamented her upcoming demotion to the third most powerful person on campus, but, always an optimist, expressed her excitement for 2021, when the twins will graduate and be prime fodder for fundraising.

"Finally we'll have a famous alum. Actually, we'll have two. And I'll probably acknowledge them as such," Gutmann said.

When the "Formation" and "Love on Top" singer announced via an Instagram post that she and husband Jay-Z, known for monster rap hits such as "Empire State of Mind" and "99 Problems," were expecting twins, it set off a nationwide recruitment frenzy as staff from every athletic program in America sought a commitment from the yet-to-be-named manifestations of genetic perfection.

"I'm a huge Bey stan, so I was pretty bummed when we didn't get Blue Ivy, especially considering the name." said Penn Athletics staffer Jim Sheehan, sporting a "Red and Blue Ivy" shirt. "But this is more than I could have ever hoped for."

However, some at the University expressed concern that student life might be disrupted if the twins' mother decides to pay frequent visits.

"We cancelled classes when the Pope came to town, but that was a one-time thing," said one University administrator who wished to remain anonymous so as to avoid the wrath of the "Hive."

"But Parents' Weekend? Every year? Forget it."

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