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Satire  Published 02/17/17 12:39pm

Governor Tom Wolf Hates Horse Masturbation (Or Does It Himself)

wolf_horse

Photo: Seth Fein / Animal Planet, Twitter @AngryTomWolf


Times are tough at the School of Veterinary Medicine. In his new budget proposal, Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf proposed a $30 million cut in state funding to the Vet School, infamous for its regular collection of semen from stallions for reproductive and research purposes. Even though Penn is a private university, certain higher-education programs in Pennsylvania, like the Vet School, receive funding from the Commonwealth. (Ed. note: The Vet School does other things besides masturbate horses. But, because those things are not masturbating horses they are unimportant.)

We ask Gov. Wolf: why do you hate horses and the collection of their reproductive fluids? Do you have a conflict of interest, such as your own semen collection facility? Where is this facility located? Do you masturbate the horses yourself, or pay others to do it? And is that really a good use of taxpayers' money?

Many say that the Vet School reinvented the wheel when they applied their artificial vagina weight (AVW) to the penis of a stallion in order to harvest semen. If that wasn’t enough, the school itself is an A-list celebrity. After all it was the subject of a highly successful Animal Planet series. We reached out to our friend Max, a recent Vet School graduate and star on the show, for a comment but he was too busy masturbating a horse to respond. Sources close to the dedicated horse semen collector say he’s devastated.

Under the Button dot com urges its billions of readers to protest this budget proposal. If you live in Pennsylvania, call your senator or representative and demand affirmation of his or her support for horse masturbation. If you see a horse, approach it and make it known that you stand in solidarity. We want protests on the streets. We will not normalize. We will resist.

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