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Satire  Published 02/08/17 10:45am

OP-ED: What About The Penis Monologues?

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Photo: MJ Kang / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and for Penn students this means the annual production of The Vagina Monologues draws near.

And don’t get me wrong, I think it's great that Penn’s female-identifying students are celebrating their bodies and raising money for a good cause. Girl power is totally ‘in’ this season. That being said, I can’t help but wonder where boys fit into all of this genital positivity. If feminists are for gender equity, then why are they pushing a partisan vagenda on the rest of us? What about students who don’t have vaginas to monologue about?

That why I think, for the sake of equality, it’s only fair to propose that Penn put on The Penis Monologues as well.

Sure, walking up Locust and being intercepted by a hot-pink, dancing vulva with a handful of tickets every day in February does keep life interesting, but I can’t help feeling that the girls in the vagina suit are getting more attention than they deserve. Think about it, boys on this campus dress like dicks every day and no one gives them money to put on a show.

What gives? Girls can strut around campus in full labia cosplay for fun, but when I put 10 condoms on my fingers and refuse the free latex gloves in my Chem 054 lab, I’m “distracting my classmates” and “compromising my safety”? That, dear readers, is institutional sexism.

This issue is especially relevant now, seeing as the media has allowed penises to fall by the wayside since the presidential election. After President Trump’s “grab ‘em by the pussy” comments came to light, it seems the American public has all but neglected the contents of its male citizens’ trousers. Did we forget that phalluses exist altogether—just because our country’s leader has a track record of snatching unassuming snatches? For this reason alone, we need Penis Monologues to bring dick back into the political lexicon.

I’m not saying that we should get rid of the Vagina Monologues altogether, or even scale the performance down. Again, I think it’s crucial that women dig deep into nature’s pocket and make art about it. But remember, vaginas are just the tip. Of the iceberg. Men should be able to flaunt their packages, too. Having the ability to birth new life unto the planet, thus sustaining our race, should not be a prerequisite to put on a fun play for the whole school.

All I’m saying is, as a culture, we are making very little headway for head. And that’s why we should have The Penis Monologues, too.

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