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Satire  Published 02/07/17 2:15pm

15 Things at Penn That Will Never Reject You

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Photo: Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian


A “Wall of Rejection” is being set up in Houston Hall today. The event page declares that “the wall is a positive reminder that rejection happens to everyone.” This is true, even Joe Biden gets rejected! As far as walls go, this is a pretty dope one (second maybe to the one in China, which we hear it is pretty Great).

However, we wanted to take this chance to remind everyone that there are also certain things (exactly 15, in fact) that will always accept you. UTB presents: the Wall of Acceptance. We know they're not all at Penn, but they're close enough.

  1. Trump University
  2. Penn - you're already here! Congratulations!
  3. Jesus Christ Our Lord And Savior
  4. Your grandmother, although we aren't not sure about Grandpa, who is a cantankerous and bitter old soul
  5. Santa Claus, unless you've been naughty
  6. Your RA - Especially if he is Joe Biden. It is literally their job to accept you, even if you just have something stuck in your ear and want them to remove it.
  7. Joey at Wawa (PS: quote UTB to get 10% off your condoms and Mac & Cheese)(PSS: do not do this)
  8. Your therapist, if you can afford one
  9. Cornell
  10. Slavic Department listerv
  11. Hoodie Allen - he needs all the fans he can get
  12. Your bed, and the ragged stuffed animal you slobbered all over for much of your childhood
  13. Penn Dining - Honestly, they need you more than you need them
  14. Student Health Services - they can’t legally reject you, right?
  15. The guy who always does finger guns, grinning at you without a trace of irony

That’s it! That’s the definitive list of everything at Penn that will always accept you. Everything else has a decent or, more likely, very high chance of rejecting you, so you’re better off staying at home and crying to Hoodie Allen. Carpe Diem!

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