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Satire  Published 02/15/17 1:55pm

Wow! This Freshman's Hands Aren't Sweaty, He Just Washed Them Recently

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Photo: Arlington County / Flickr


When Mike Rimble handed a classmate a pen, he knew what she was thinking. Her eyes widened and she shivered, slightly but noticeably, as their hands met. Mike, a Freshman in the College, was quick to dispel any misconceptions. "Sorry my hands are so wet, I just washed them but the bathroom was out of paper towels," he laughed nervously. She seemed doubtful, but smiled. Crisis averted.

Everyone thinks Mike has sweaty hands, but he insists that this is just not the case. Mike washes his hands with the frequency of a medical professional, as he tells it, and it's an unfortunate coincidence that people always seem to touch his hands right after he washes them.

Somehow, this happens to Mike a lot. Every time he shakes someone's hand, he happens to have just washed his hands. Each time he lays his hand on his desk and leaves a wet spot, the bathroom was out of paper towels. Whenever he holds an X-Box controller, his hands are still wet from the sink. This raises an interesting question: does Mike have the cleanest hands of all time?

If he really is washing his hands this often, Mike is a paragon of cleanliness and sanitation. He should be applauded, in fact. He insists that he is not a germaphobe, and has no real issue with having dirty hands. "I just, uh, wash them a lot. I don't really want to talk about this anymore," Mike told us. 

Some of Mike's peers aren't sure about his story. "His hands are, like, noticeably dirty sometimes. I'm talking about dirt under his fingernails, pen marks on his hands, et cetera. But he still always says he just washed his hands," an anonymous friend told us.

Mike had an answer for this. "Sometimes I just rinse them, but this school is always out of paper towels. I mean, come on! Am I right, guys?" His friends seemed unconvinced.

Moments after this story was finished, Mike was spotted leaving the bathroom without washing his hands.

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