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Satire  Published 02/15/17 7:44pm

Wharton Hosts Dance Marathon to Raise Awareness for Goldman Sachs

danceathon

Photo: David Akst / Public Domain (edited)


Not wanting to be outdone by Temple’s 12 hour dance for charity or by Penn State's famous THON event, Wharton held its first annual “Goldman Sachs Awareness Dance Marathon” this week to help raise awareness for investment banking jobs at Goldman Sachs. When questioned on what inspired them to host this inaugural event, Wharton administration said “we feared that Penn students weren’t getting exposed to the magic and wonder of bulge bracket banking, and wanted to do something to change that.” The reward, final round interviews for the current recruiting cycle for the most dedicated dancers, drew great turnout from the student body.

Participants met at 10am on Sunday in Huntsman wearing their finest professional clothes and determined to do their part in supporting Goldman. Keith Wallace (W’20) said that “while it was pretty darn tough dancing in a full suit and tie for 6 hours straight, I thought I might as well practice for the future, when I'll be dancing like a puppet for my corporate overlords.”

Sweaty students danced the day away, proud in the knowledge that they were donating their time to a fulfilling cause. "Why dance for charity when I could get a job? Do I look like I go to Brown?" asked Mark Green (W'18).

The assembled students also used the event as a great time to network, amassing dozens of endorsements on LinkedIn over their "lit dance moves," although we're unsure whether employers are actively seeking out such skills in their interns. By the end of the event, the few dancers who had not passed out from exhaustion were shifting aimlessly from side to side, murmuring "let's connect" into the stale air.

Ultimately, the event was a massive success and raised a ton of awareness for Goldman Sachs on campus. With all this newfound attention, people might finally consider applying for Goldman Sachs internships.

Interestingly enough, the only songs that were played throughout the entirety of the event were "Broccoli" by D.R.A.M and "Closer" by the Chainsmokers. Administrators claimed that they performed extensive research into the listening habits of Penn students to distill the dancing experience into its purest form. 

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