About

Under The Button, Penn's humor and satire blog.

Penn, unbuttoned.

Features  Published 02/14/17 4:26pm

15 Cute Things to Do Alone This Valentine's Day

lonely273629_1280

Photo: Public Domain / Pixabay


1. Unleash your inner Barefoot Contessa and cook up a ~foolproof~ romantic dinner for one in your ill-equipped, understocked kitchen.

2. Go to the movies alone. The cinema is dark and loud enough to mask your sobs!

3. Treat yourself! Go on a shopping spree. You don't deserve it, but pretend you do.

4. Masturbate.

5. Masturbate a horse on national television.

6. Slather on a face mask (so you don't recognize yourself in the mirror) and binge eat your favorite snacks while watching Whose Line reruns at the lowest audible volume.

7. Cry.

8. Light some overpoweringly strong-smelling candles and take a long soak in the tub (you can do #4 or even #7 while you’re at it).

9. Call your mom! She won’t answer because she’s definitely not spending her Valentine’s Day alone like you, but that’s okay—just leave a voicemail and she'll get to it eventually!

10. Buy a heart-shaped box of assorted chocolates. Try to find one that doesn’t trigger your gag reflex!

11. Masturbate again.

12. Take a nice, relaxing walk through the city. Do some people watching. Think about your life. Try not to cry.

13. Cry.

14. Try to do homework but end up watching Ocean's Twelve on Netflix, even though you never saw Ocean's Eleven. Realize that it doesn't have as much to do with the ocean as you expected.

15. Break down and download Tinder because this lifestyle isn’t working for you.

Comments powered by Disqus

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.