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Satire  Published 01/17/17 12:41pm

Which Penn A Capella Group Will Headline Trump's Inauguration?

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Photo credit: Julio Sosa

/ The Daily Pennsylvanian


Ever since Broadway singer Jennifer Holliday pulled out of Trump’s inauguration, people have wondered who would be taking over to headline the concert. Some thought that this was the moment where the President-Elect would finally face humiliation. Wrong!

The truth is Trump’s team has been looking to his alma mater for his next star act. We can't speak to which groups will be willing to perform, but here is a definitive ranking of the chances that certain Penn a capella groups are invited to perform at the inauguration this Friday. We did not cover every Penn a capella group, because there are thousands of them.

The Inspiration

The President-elect definitely appreciates that this group capitalized both the “T” and “I” in their name. Since you can't spell "Trump Inauguration" without these letters, he probably already feels a connection. 

Chances: 80 percent

The Shabbatones

Regardless of Trump's affinity for Israel, he'll probably want a group which performs mostly in English, so he can make sure they aren't talking about his small hands. Check out our review, anyway.

Chances: 24 percent

The Penny Loafers

On their website, The Penny Loafers writes that they are into "Viagra Pop." We are not sure what that is (and we don't really want to know), but it probably means that the group is well-equipped to give Donald Trump a stronger start to the New Year. Love!

Chances: Call your doctor if the inauguration lasts more than 4 hours

Disney A Capella

Donald absolutely loves the ratings. He is The Ratings Machine. Given Disney’s strong brand in America and across the world, he is sure to give them an invite.

Chances: 93 percent

Full Measure

Penn's Christian A Capella group performs wholesome, God-loving songs. This would not be a controversial choice.

Chances: Full

Counterparts

Some of what Counterparts performs is jazz, and jazz was especially popular in the 20th century between the 1920s and the 1970s (if this is incorrect please do give us a break, we are not a jazz blog). Trump holds many views consistent with those common during this period in American history.

Chances: Atlantic Records/10

Penn Six-5000

The group's description includes the phrase, “badboy, baby,” which are two words we would use to describe Trump. The all-male (perfect!) a capella group seems like the kind of outsider candidate that Trump and his supporters might be able to get behind. Their description also calls West Philadelphia "ghettolicious", which has to increase their chances.

Chances: 600 percent

Penn Masala

Applications to join Trump's cabinet were similar to those to join Penn Masala. That is, he asked them to list the top 5 hottest girls in the Republican Party, then asked them to tell him a joke. 

Chances: Top 5

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