Four Day Post-Thanksgiving Recovery Diet

Thanksgiving is over, but you can still feel its effects. You feel slower, older, like the gravitational field generated by your body is larger than ever. "How do I ever recover?" you ask, convinced that your sluggish state will persist forever. Don't give up hope, though. You'll be weak in both mind and body if you follow our instructions for this intense yet rewarding four day diet, but at least you can say you went on a diet!

Day 1

Breakfast: Two fish eggs, however you want to cook them. Scrambled, sunny side up, fried-- they're fish eggs, so they'll come out pretty much the same way no matter what.

Lunch: Ice.

Dinner: Caramelize onions in a large non-stick skillet. Once the onions have become brown, throw them in the garbage. Eat some salt and pepper.

Day 2

Breakfast: FaceTime your uncle and watch him eat cereal with gummy bears in it for breakfast. It sounds weird, but he seems to like it.

Lunch: Soup, but not any of the good kinds.

Dinner: Anything that rhymes with Beggplant, as long as it is made of sand.

Day 3: Cheat Day!

Breakfast: Cheat on your spouse or significant other. It doesn't matter what you eat right now, the guilt will make you sick.

Lunch: Cheat on a test. Do not eat anything, because you aren't allowed to eat during tests.

Dinner: Cheat death. Drink the blood of a goat as a "thank you" to the Dark Lord for allowing you to escape his noose, for the time being. Make sure to brush your teeth after!

Day 4

Breakfast: Ancient grains that you stole from the Penn Museum. If carbs are old, they can't hurt you.

Lunch: Eat as many peas as you can in 4 minutes. Put any remaining peas in the microwave and run it until they're vaporized.

Dinner: A box of pasta, but not the pasta—just the box. Only rotini will work for this meal.

If these diet suggestions don't work, try our workout plan.