Satire  Published 07/12/18 6:08pm

New App Helps to Find Most Convenient Ladies’ Bathrooms in DRL


Photo by Marco Verch / CC BY 2.0

A group of computer programmers and amateur cartographers have set out to solve the biggest problem facing approximately 33% of all undergraduate engineers: Where is the closest bathroom?

“It’s important to plan ahead when looking for a place to pee,” said the project leader, Sophia Parshall (E’19). “The nearest bathroom could easily be between a five- to fifteen-minute walk away. Honestly, we recommend recycling your urine like a hibernating bear, but not everyone has the biological capabilities to do this yet. Rest assured, there is a team of engineers and pre-med students working to solve this problem immediately.”

Parshall offered Under the Button an insider’s tour of the most underrated bathroom spots for anyone who identifies as a woman, including more popular options such as the 34th street Starbucks (as long as you memorize the passcode), Fisher Fine Arts, and a 44 oz Wawa cup. She also shared a few personal favorites that she only uncovered during the making of the app, like the bush outside of Towne and the Room of Requirement on the third floor of David Rittenhouse Laboratories.

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Satire  Published 07/10/18 12:31pm

Intern From Ivy League University Holds Most Expensive Qualifications to Print and File Papers


Photo from pxhere / CC0

Albert Liu (E '20) was excited to spend his summer finally putting his academic work to proper use. Liu, who studies Systems Engineering, Cognitive Science, and Theoretical Physics, spent a great deal of time and money on his classes, and was hopeful to see these efforts manifest in a meaningful internship.

Unfortunately for Liu, it appears his employers perceived his qualifications a bit differently. Originally planning to work on rocket launchers at NASA or new software at Google, Liu is instead working on a slightly less rewarding project - paper printing. 

"We don't just recruit anyone to do our printing and filing for us; Albert was the best fit for the job," stated Joseph Roberts, Liu's current boss. "If he didn't get an A+ in his Advanced Quantum Computing course, there's no way we would have hired him to do this critical work for our organization."

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Satire  Published 07/09/18 10:17am

Internships Expose Students to Full-Time Employment—‘This Sucks,’ Say Students


Photo by CTBC / CC0 (with edits)

After successfully securing a finance internship for this summer, Wharton sophomore Barry Graham thought the hard part was over. Unfortunately, he soon learned a summer internship came with certain responsibilities, the most basic of which is actually maintaining a full-time position at the company, which, according to Graham, “totally blows.”

“They have me working at least eight hours a day, five days a week,” Graham complained. “I have to wake up in the morning, go to work, and stay there—in one place—until I can leave at the end of the day. What the fuck?”

Not only does Graham have to remain in one location for eight hours, but he also has to perform basic duties of the job for at least three of those hours. He also hates his coworkers, who are “boring,” “too serious,” and “not bros.”

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Satire  Published 07/06/18 2:15pm

Wow! This Frat Guy Who Played FIFA Once Knows More About the World Cup Than You!


Photo from GWR / CC 2.0

They say it's tough to be internationally conscious nowadays. For renowned frat star Ben Thomas (W '19), however, all it takes to become a true global citizen and soccer aficionado is a few games of FIFA 18. 

Thomas, who has recently placed 3rd in a frat-wide FIFA tournament, harnessed his intellectual brilliance to memorize the names of as many soccer players as possible so that he could sound intelligent when discussing the World Cup.

"I know as much about soccer as Harry Kane knows about scoring goals!" remarked Thomas, discussing the recent matches in Russia. "Don't cry if you realize I'm smarter than you though, because then I might mistake you for Neymar! Hah! Get it...?"

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Satire  Published 07/05/18 12:44pm

BREAKING: Trump Selects Amy Wax as Supreme Court Pick


Photo from Stream / CC 2.0

The legal system is renowned for its divisive nature and the discourse it promotes, caused by countless discrepancies in ideologies. However, there has perhaps been no better agreement between two key figures in the legal system than President Donald Trump and renowned Penn Law professor Amy Wax. 

In a shocking, unprecedented move, Wax has been appointed by President Trump to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy on the Supreme Court. 

Only a few months after being tapped to replace Betsy Devos as Secretary of Education, Wax has already risen the ranks and developed a close relationship with Trump. The two reportedly have a great deal in common, including their political views, their thoughts on the legal system, and the amount of minorities who actively support them. 

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Satire  Published 06/28/18 11:37am

Greatest Student of All-Time Crushes Final After Mediocre Midterms


Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC 3.0

Leon Murphy (W ’19) is one of the greatest to ever do it. His professors and peers alike say he makes school look way too easy. In recent times, he has carried his family with his endless career prospects and success.

However, a recent spell of academic mediocrity in a world politics course saw Murphy’s reputation take a hit. He failed to capitalize on what seemed like a freebie about Icelandic settlement on one midterm, only to follow it up with a complete no-show on a midterm involving Croatia and the breakup of Yugoslavia.

Of course all of this happened while his over-achieving peer in the College, Christian Roberts (C ’19), maintained his pristine academic performance.

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Satire  Published 06/27/18 1:41am

SHOCKING: Amy Gutmann Wearing "I Really Don't Care Do U?" Jacket While Visiting CAPS


Photos from The Daily Pennsylvanian, Pinterest / CC by SA 2.0. Edits by Kasra Khadem

Penn President Amy Gutmann took her biannual trip to Penn's Counseling and Psychological Services center this week, but her trip is receiving far more attention for her wardrobe choice during the journey, than the journey itself. 

Though President Gutmann entered the new facility to show her support for mental health programs at Penn, she couldn't resist revealing her true thoughts through her wardrobe choices. Donned in an olive-green jacket reading, "I Really Don't Care, Do U?" Gutmann casually strolled through the facility for a whopping 74 seconds. 

Gutmann insisted that there was no hidden meaning behind the jacket. "It's a jacket. There was no message. Haven't you guys been getting my emails?! All the emails about the mental health and psychology stuff! This is an issue I care very deepl-- oh, my train to New York is leaving! Peace!" 

Satire  Published 06/25/18 10:58am

Following in UChicago’s Footsteps, Wharton Removes Stock Pitch From Application Requirements


Photo from The Daily Pennsylvanian

Following in the footsteps of the University of Chicago, The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania has decided to simplify its admissions requirements and make them more accessible to applicants who are not finance gurus. 

"We're bullish on creativity and bearish on rigid requirements," remarked Frank Harris, Dean of Wharton Undergraduate Admissions. "We have realized that it is unfair to expect applicants to successfully walk us through a discounted cash flow analysis and a comparable companies analysis. This should only be an expectation after their first lecture of ECON 010."

Unfortunately, other brutal parts of the application are not changing any time soon. The Wharton application will continue to require a 3-hour long networking reception and an extensive test of Excel shortcuts. Moreover, in the final round, applicants will still be required to successfully pronounce the word "EBITDA". 

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Satire  Published 06/21/18 10:19am

REPORT: 73% of Incoming Penn Freshmen Only Applied Because "Elon Musk Went There"


Photo by Heisenberg Media / CC By 2.0

Talk about an ambitious bunch of students! A recent Annenberg study reports that a staggering 73% of incoming members of Penn's Class of 2022 had the same motivation for applying to Penn - the university's (second) most famous alum. 

While Penn has its fair share of famous alumni, many of whom found great success in their time at the school, Elon Musk stood out to most freshmen due to his drive, ambition, and as one incoming student stated, "the fact that he's a billionaire". 

Incoming freshman Jeff Clarke (W '22) exclaimed that his idolization of Musk encouraged him to pursue the unbelievably original academic combination of Finance AND Computer Science. "I care about making a meaningful impact in the world, while helping those in need," claimed Clarke. "Also I want a yacht. Yeah. A yacht would be cool."

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Satire  Published 06/15/18 12:12am

​Large East Village Apartment Smells Suspiciously Of Being Paid For By Parents


Photo by Pixabay / CC0

Visitors to the East Village apartment of Ryan Bertrand (W ’19) have been complaining of a strange smell.

While exploring his one bedroom, one bathroom apartment with a large kitchen and spacious living room in a coveted area, Ryan’s friends noted a slight odor.

As they examined the plush, roomy sectional sofa and decorative sconces, the smell became stronger.

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