Random Alumni At A Party

Your favorite feature is back to provide a laugh in between those silent sobs in your VP carrel, and this time, we interviewed an ALUMNI. He's a recent grad who is now getting his Masters at Penn – a salt-of-the-earth guy who loves a good lunch. 

UTB: What did you do today?

RAAP: Spent most of my day making a hand-crafted stamp. Then went to a nice mom-and-pop sandwich place. My sandwich had a lot of sundried tomatoes and balsamic; was a little too sour for my liking. Then played Settlers of Cattan.

UTB: What political views do you think Settlers of Cattan espouses?

RAAP: Strong Libertarian ideals, which is concerning, because Libertarians are crazy. My uncle’s a libertarian. [Settlers of Cattan is just] pillaging the earth. It’s Pocahontas. We know that every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name. But all we do is call them ores and sheep. What was the question? Oh, right. It’s a tragedy of the commons. If Cattan were the real world, it would become depleted of resources very quickly. You gotta harvest sustainably.

UTB: Okay, some lightning round questions. If you were naming a Kentucky Derby horse, what would you call it?

RAAP: Sticky Rice Banana Pouch. That would also be my drag name! (Ed. Note: He had just eaten Vietnamese food.)

UTB: If you were a cocktail, what would you be?

RAAP: I would be a mojito because it’s tangy but also minty fresh, and I think those are good qualities in a human.

UTB: If given the opportunity to eat giraffe, how would you want it prepared?

RAAP: I’m not sure I would eat giraffe. I like giraffes. And on good days I’m vegetarian.

UTB: Who would play you in your biopic?

RAAP: Paul Dano.

UTB: What’s the best lunch on campus?

RAAP: I can’t say it. I don’t want a line at my lunch cart. (Ed. Note: We were forced to redact this answer). But if I feel like splurging, Han Dynasty dan dan noodles for lunch –fantastic.

UTB: What did you do on Fling?

RAAP: Went on an adventure downtown. We got Chinese food, went to Rittenhouse Square, and I made a little wooden hammer by tying sticks together with bark! We walked from 18^th & Chestnut to 46^th & Spruce. We went to Mad Mex and drank “Big Azz’s.” Met a dog named after Dexter, the serial killer…Not very exciting. So what’s trendy at Penn right now?

UTB: I don’t know…Chance the Rapper…adderall. What are your opinions of those things?

RAAP: I use cocoa butter, but not very often. (*Hums "Cocoa Butter Kisses"*)