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Features  Published 03/31/16 5:30pm

You've Been One-Upped: A Dialogue


Person A: What did you get into last weekend?

Person B: Nothing too wild. Just a couple parties, you know.

A: Same. How many parties, though?

B: Four, I think.

A: Cool, that's a decent number. I was at six myself.

B: I guess I just wasn't really feeling the parties this weekend. I went to three BYO's, though.

A: I did too... I drank way too much fireball.

B: How much Fireball? I drank a whole handle, unless you did too, in which case I drank two.

A: Actually, I meant a real ball of fire. I drank a large orb of 900°C flames at a BYO, just for fun and for my own pleasure.

B: Nice! I'm just not that into hot things. I swallowed a small laser cooler, which creates the closest possible temperature to absolute zero. It was a good time, I guess.

A: I get you, nothing crazy but it sounds like fun. Did you finish your homework?

B: No, I haven't even started it!

A: You're ahead of me-- I haven't even looked at it yet.

B: Actually I haven't even been to class yet this semester. I'm such a mess.

A: This semester? Please! I'm not even enrolled in Penn. I've never been inside a college classroom. I'm such a mess.

B: You're lucky, though. I can't even read or write. I'm illiterate and every word I know I learned from watching Guy Fieri's "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives." I'm the bigger mess.

A: Actually, I'm blind and deaf, sort of like Helen Keller but if she'd never had Annie Sullivan. 

B: I was murdered thirty years ago in a speed-skating-related revenge killing and I'm a ghost, so when I try to touch things I just go through them. I also can never change my clothes because I don't know where to buy ghost clothes.

A: What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

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